Fuell To The Fire

Who’s getting burned today?

‘X-Blades’ for Xbox 360 a lonely geek’s fantasy

May 4th, 2009 by Stewart

By Ezra Mann

Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

There are games produced once in a rare occasion that hook us to the point that we almost scream when we have to stop playing. Then there are games that fall into other various levels of entertaining, some only to appease a very lonely and sad group of anti-socialites.

This latest offering from SouthPeak Games happens to fall into the latter category, but passes the time if you have nothing better to do. Honestly, you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit that this is the kind of title for the same kind of people that find animated cleavage an attractive thing. Yet, sad habits of extreme anime fans aside, “X-Blades” is not a total waste and didn’t frustrate me beyond wanting to try and finish it.

I didn’t think you could get a female treasure hunter more scantily clad than Laura Croft, but apparently they weren’t pulling any punches with wardrobe for main character Ayumi. In this adventure you play the part of this vixen artifact junky whose cocky attitude brings her more trouble than she bargains for.

She must battle for her life and your decisions along the way determine if she stays a good girl (though that’s debatable) or is swallowed up by darkness. You’re main two weapons are your deadly blades and pistols, though you are also given the chance to try out a number of spells powered by your rage. There really isn’t a lot of thinking required in this game, just steady hands and mad skills at mashing buttons quickly.

All of the trouble deals with an orb, which proves to be quite a troublesome find and it does provide the only real story for gamers. The controls are for the most part tolerable, but can be frustrating and sometimes dialogue is hard to understand or read on the screen in cut scenes.

As for who should play this, it earns its mature rating at least on the skin front so keep this one away from the tykes. I’m not going to recommend this title as a must have for most gamers since it will most likely be a one-time play. For something to whittle away the hours and the torsos of your foes, I give “X-Blades” for the Xbox 360 three out of six toggles.

The whole damn thing

April 29th, 2009 by Stewart

Wow, 3 days of shows. I haven’t done that in a while. I almost don’t feel like a real adult.

Last Thursday night was Man Man at the Rev Room downtown. Most original band of crazy-eyed weirdos this side of Devo. Any rock band that can incorporate a tenor sax, a trumpet, an accordian and (i think) 2 xylophones as major elements into their music deserves a damn medal. Oh, and at one point the drummer reverted to banging on a pot. ANIMAL WANTS TO EAT DRUMS!

Opening for Man Man was a band called The Moving Front, with no less than 2 guys i’ve worked with. Small world. Mark Lewis on guitar, Micah Fitzhugh on drums. My friend St. Byron wasn’t impressed, but he’s one of those bitter hippies that hates the world because the stuff he actully believed in has been reduced to slogans on t-shirts and he’s heard so much music that only crazy stuff like Man Man is worth his keen ear’s interest. I thought they were worth the cover by themselves. The comedian that followed, tho…that guy was just incredibly lame. I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, like maybe he was being intentionally not funny as some kind of Kaufmanesque joke’s-on-us kind of thing, but I seriously feel my trust was betrayed. Look in the weekend crime reports in the newspaper, I’m sure this guy was assaulted after the show.

Those Darlins Friday Night at White Water Tavern was the most fun I’ve had at a show in a long time. At one point, the band asked for knock-knock jokes from the audience, and in loathing memory of the comedian the night previous, I told one that intentionally wasn’t funny. No one got it. I’m so misunderstood. Didn’t stick around to see the headline, Glossary, despite encouragement from a big guy named Balloo to stay and give them a listen.

Saturday at UALR I attended a dumb little egofest for rich people who gave money to the university’s art department. “Supporting the arts,” they called it. Except while these jackasses are sipping wine in their tuxedos, the people who are actually making the art are living in poverty because despite all the bullshit, the people with the money only care about the pretty pictures. The term “starving artist” is a cliche for a reason.

CALS bought a table at this event and I was invited and graciously accepted, hoping it’d at least be interesting. The art they had on display wasn’t all that great, but the drinks were strong and the food wasn’t bad. Selections from Carmen were performed, giving me an opportunity to be the only person in the room talking smack about opera via twitter.

Winston Family Orchestra at ACAC later that night was a lot more fun. I didn’t quite fit in with the hipster crowd there, but the beer was cheap and the company in the parking lot was friendly and proper. Thanks.

I’m definitely going to see that band again. Think They Might Be Giants, focused on making music you can dance to instead of just strangeness. My only complaint is that a lot of their songs were way shorter than I wanted them to be. Just as they got good, BAM they were over.

Was hoping to see VAST at Juanita’s tonight, but my ass is broke until tomorrow. Maybe you’ll come back in another 5 years, guys?

Before I go to the valley below

April 23rd, 2009 by Stewart

Tonight I have the pleasure off attending a Man Man performance at The Rev Room. If you’re not familiar, think Tom Waits performing at a carnival with Dresden Dolls circa 2004. Good, good stuff.

Tomorrow night, I was seriously considering a trip up to Batesville for and unto you… A Ghost is Born at Lyon College, but due to apparent lack of interest I think I’ll just go see Those Darlins at White Water Tavern in Little Rock instead. They got some great reviews at SXSW, and if they’re half as good as the hype I definitely want to see them in a small venue like White Water.

Saturday’s crazy too. Some kind of black tie event at UALR. Something to do with art and Carmen. CALS’ got a table and I was invited. So why not, right? Immediately after, it’s over to a benefit show for the ACAC to see Winston Family Orchestra, who I’ve been trying to see for months now.

Busy, busy, busy!

And on top of all that, next week is VAST at Juanita’s! And I’m uberexcite over MGMT at The Village in June. CAN’T WAIT! If anyone’s going to any of these shows, send me an email. I hate going to stuff like that alone.

‘Monster Jam: Urban Assault’ for the Wii mind numbingly simple, but fun

April 20th, 2009 by Stewart

By Ezra Mann, Editor and Publisher of Really Pathetic Productions

I’ll be perfectly honest and admit that when I usually think of monster trucks, stereotypes of rednecks and cheap American beer are some of the first things that come to mind. Let’s face it, like television wrestling, a good bit of the audience for said events usually aren’t busy offering intelligent contributions to society, well at least not while viewing it.

Apart from a brief stint in my childhood I’ve pretty much left both behind, but decided to let my inner trailer-trash out when I was offered a chance to review a game featuring the metal crushing kings of exhaust. At first I was thinking it’d be a quick eye-rolling extravaganza, but the more I tried the more I was hooked into smashing everything I could, including the digital vehicle I was driving. “Monster Jam: Urban Assault” for the Wii is no game of the year candidate, but can become surprisingly addictive before you realize it.

Like one of my acquaintances pointed out when he tried it, it’s basically an RC car platform with nice graphics and behemoths at your command. You can play with as many as 27 trucks (after unlocking them by completing events) in plenty of arenas and either go stunt crazy as well as break down everything in your path by yourself or with three others in split screen multi-player.

The controls for the most part are without any difficulty and driving your truck offers little frustration once you get the hang of it. However, I do have to note that racing can be a bit frustrating especially on the sharp turns so if you want a more fair turnout, stick to the crushing and stunts. One of my favorite events and perhaps one of the silliest is the stunt track where you can launch your truck through the air and score points in what looks like a giant Skee-Ball board (a bit too dangerous for real life, but hilarious in concept).

This particular offering from Activision deserves at least one thumbs up for something that is simple and can be done in short bursts or last as long as you want to get your smash on. The use of the Wii-mote and chucks was done right and should entertain with a product that is appropriate for all ages.

I can recommend it at least for a rental, though level of fandom on this thing is important in determining if you want it for the long term. Just remember to go outside and remind yourself that you will not give into too many other redneck tendencies (unless it’s too late) and all will be fine. For a decent gaming experience I’d say “Monster Jam: Urban Assault” for the Wii deserves three and a half out of five toggles.

‘Monsters vs. Aliens’ another goofy win for DreamWorks

April 9th, 2009 by Stewart

By Ezra Mann, Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

Since most of the good movie ideas are killed before they see the light or day or are buried by the latest blockbuster/crapfest, it’s no surprise when one of those offerings happens to be a versus title. Sure, it’s all well and good to put your nerdy heartthrob of a geek fantasy before your pocket protecting friends, but sometimes those ideas can really hurt if they go too far (Hello “Aliens vs. Predator).

However, there is under a rare set of circumstances a chance that the battle between two long established forces actually produces something tolerable and the creators of “Shrek” seem to have reached this plateau. This may not even be the first time experiments gone wrong have faced off against otherworldly creatures, but it gets it right and with plenty of hilarity. “Monsters vs. Aliens” is everything the previews promised and more, a win for both DreamWorks and audiences.

The story of this film focuses partly on the world of Monsters, who by modern times are all locked away and no more than a government conspiracy (A clever ruse of paranoia if you will). B.O.B., a blob creature (played by Seth Rogen, who does such a good job at this role it might as well be the pinnacle of his career), Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. (Hugh Laurie) and The Missing Link (Will Arnett), a fishlike man, are examples of this race that would have never seen the light of day if it weren’t for a beyond this world obsession.

Enter Gallaxhar (Rainn Wilson), a hideous squid-ish being who is so bent on collecting his favorite element that he’ll destroy any world, even a pitiful earth. This cunning villain might actually succeed in his diabolical plans if it weren’t for Susan Murphy who is later thrust into the conflict as Ginormica, lady of justice who is large and in charge. The movie is mostly meant for kids, but there are plenty of adult geared jokes including ones from the president (Stephen Colbert).

This movie should be safe enough for the whole family, barring we’re not all taken over by a sentient race that takes the flick personally. There could have been a few more classic jokes to make this a must have, but I can promise it is at least worth one theatrical viewing or a rental.

The story is left open enough as usual to milk the unnecessary amount of sequels, but maybe we’ll all be lucky and this one won’t be ruined by high ticket sales. (Though the opening weekend bid certainly will tempt studio numbskulls) In any case, I was rather happy with the effort, if at least something to distract from the ills of society. “Monsters vs. Aliens” is not a terrifying snore which earns it a sinister three and a half out of five cackles.

‘Halo Wars’ succeeds where other console war games sucked

March 24th, 2009 by Stewart

By Ezra Mann, Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

Very rarely when an entertainment entity milks a franchise do the results please other than the caffeinated fan boy. Even when reviewing this particular title I had actually grown rather bored with the series and did not expect much, even felt a bit of pre-dread when I learned it was entering the strategy genre.

As a whole, strategy games that have been either ported or created for the console have been met with utter condemnation or just fallen way short of a computer alternative. Yet, despite history and despicable trends, we may just be witness to the coming of a new possibility. “Halo Wars” does not absolutely blow when it comes to being a war game and may just be the best of the storyline so far.

Set in the early years of the UNSC/Covenant conflict, a prequel if you will, gamers join the crew of the “Spirit of Fire,” guided by the AI bombshell Serina. The game has an almost “Star Trek” feel to it with some unscheduled exploration thrown in to spice up the bloody warfare.

It is up to you to lead, protect and at times even babysit forces, with limited, but efficient bases (or sometimes just available forces) in scenarios that force you to use what you have wisely or be wiped out by the enemy. You’ll get to see familiar units including spartans, warthogs, scorpions and elites, modeled to better fit the style of play. The game itself can be completed within a few days or so, but is done in a way that will please even those who never even cared for “Halo” before.

I am impressed with the efforts of Microsoft Game Studios and Ensemble Studios for this collaboration that is both visually appealing and easy to control. The graphics all around are clean as well as crisp with nary a pixel out of place and make the worlds an enjoyable setting for the carnage.

The controls never even once gave me trouble and I was able to select units and build what I needed without even flinching. The only thing that got under my skin was that the Xbox 360 froze a few times during load screens, but was not an issue because no progress was lost after a save. Even playing online was tolerable through skirmish mode, though I must admit that sharing a base in co-op took a bit to get used to.

In the end, I’ve got to give props and say that if other strategy offerings follow this model, then they will be on the right track. I’m actually hopeful that more is added through downloads or a sequel because when the credits rolled I wanted to go right back to the battlefield.

Most should be able to play the game with limited gore shown, but it is a bit to violent for the youngest of gamers. As far as a purchase this game is worth picking up and wouldn’t hurt as a rental either. “Halo Wars” for the Xbox 360, for kicking butt and not pissing me off, you earn a cool five out of six toggles.

We must never be apart

March 23rd, 2009 by Stewart

Holy mother of monkey helling damn! Jimmy Chamberlin, for the second time, is no longer a Pumpkin.

I know B0lly’s gone crazy, but they seemed to really be doing well just a couple of months ago. After Billy’s speech at the end of the last tour in December, I was excited to see what they’d come up with next. I’ll still going to follow Billy because I think he’s a damn good artist and one of the few who are genuinely — no matter how misguided at times — trying to do something different and impactful with his art, but it just won’t be the same without Jimmy there. Those two make some damn fine music together, and one would think their respective solo careers would’ve taught them both a lesson.

Farewell, Old Friends

March 18th, 2009 by Stewart

Commentary by Ann Snuggs
The last Friday of February was a sad day for many, and not just residents of Denver. The last edition of the Rocky Mountain News was printed. Most of the world does not live in Denver so the rest of us won’t be directly affected. It’s what that death symbolizes and foretells that saddens lovers of the printed word.
Denverites are lucky. The Denver Post is still extant but the increasing demise of print newspapers is disturbing to those of us who grew up with a daily newspaper – or sometimes two or three.
That same week I read an article about the failing financial position of the San Francisco Chronicle - or more accurately expressed, the corporation that owns it. The report said that San Francisco would be left without a print newspaper if/when The Chronicle goes. Scary.
As Bob Dylan said, “the times they are a-changin’ ” and change IS the only constant. I recently saw it phrased: “Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.” Truer words were never spoken but, however ubiquitous change may be, it’s not always welcome.
The Internet was already making inroads on the print market but the deadly blow for many is the economy plunging into the toilet. Unfortunately, recovery is going to be a slow process. It’s impossible to fix overnight a crisis that was created over years. By the time the economy turns around — and it will; history says so — I fear many print outlets will be a thing of the past.
Truth is: Newspapers — and magazines — are not what they once were. I often get more from electronic reports than from the print media but I miss the newsprint on my fingers. Just the other day I bought an area daily — no daily in my small town — just to have the tactile experience of newspaper-reading, but it offered me very little. A sign of the times.
One of my cousins lives in San Antonio and the newspaper there is decent. I read it when I visit with her. One of the local columnists for the Express-News is quite good. I enjoy reading Cary Clack and keep meaning to e-mail and tell him so. Did you catch that? Not write him snail mail but e-mail him. I’m as quick to make the tech shift as many.
Newspapers won’t disappear totally; they just won’t be in print form. In the same article that reported the San Francisco problem, a Seattle paper adaptation was mentioned. The statement was made that the Post-Intelligencer would soon only be available online, not in print form.
The big problem here is that not everyone is connected. Yes, there were plans years ago for cities to make wireless networks available to their residents but it just hasn’t happened. Even had it worked, technology is not cheap and people who are barely able to feed their kids are not likely to spend food dollars on Internet access. What disturbs me most is that I see a disenfranchised group of people, chiefly the poor, who are denied information that should be public. Information is power. Ask any despot, whose first act is to shut down the education system – or take it over for propaganda purposes.
The argument can be made that people in poverty wouldn’t buy papers either but newspapers are cheaper than computers. And that is a definite “duh” statement. I can’t list the large number of young marrieds of previous generations who made it a point — and a point of pride — to manage to subscribe to the local paper. More importantly — they READ it.
As a child in grade school I remember sitting on the front steps waiting for the Pine Bluff Commercial to be thrown. It was an afternoon paper then and chock full of local stories as well as ones from the wire services. Movie theaters ran ads that included posters with credits. And — then as now — my first stop was the comics page. When editorial columns were local, those were always high on my priority list, too.
The second argument I can hear concerning news availability is using the computer at the office to check the news. Easy rebuttal for that one. The same people who can’t afford Net access are the ones whose jobs do not involve computers. No independent news gathering ability there.
The best argument against my position is television news. Of course, my argument against TV news is that the network powers determine which stories will be aired and which will be ignored and they only have 30 minutes, less commercials. One of the main benefits of newspapers in the past is that they offered more selection. Of course, these days, as fewer and fewer pages are printed, the choice in print is more limited, too.
I do have the ability to step back from all this and appreciate the irony of bemoaning the demise of print media in an online article. I can also admit that – because I have no daily local paper — I get most of my news electronically. I even have a browser on my phone and check “top 40, news, weather and sports” — seriously usually headlines and weather — on my cell phone every morning. (Those who caught the “top 40, news, weather and sports” are obviously old enough to remember those good old newspapers of which I speak. Those who aren’t, search song lyrics.)
Still, the times are a-changing and like Dylan said, if you can’t keep up, you’ll be left behind. I’m far from left behind at this point. My mind, though not necessarily my strained eyesight, is adjusting to the new, techy reality. Circumstances have pushed me closer to the cutting edge than my comfort level allows so I will adjust to cybernews, I’m sure.
It’s just extremely hard to see something that has been so treasured and important to my life fade away. Sigh!
Ann Snuggs is an award-winning columnist, film historian and freelance writer.
She has obviously never been addicted to the Internet.

Guest columnist Sam Krebs

March 8th, 2009 by Stewart

Wish list about needs, not wants OR
A casino on Cherry Street? OR
Water park idea comes up all wet

WHEN NEWS got out about the  Pine Bluff Mayor Carl A. Redus Jr. request of a $1.4-million water park to stimulate our depressed economy, it wasn’t pretty. Seems the Bluff City took another hit to its already tarnished image.
No less than the New York Daily News tagged it among “the most inane” bailout requests. Our eagle eye reader Renate Wagner even noticed that ABC-TV correspondent Jake Tapper noted it on his blog, “Political Punch,” the same blog where Vice President Joe Biden vows he will “publicly embarrass” those with frivolous requests.
But hold on there, folks. Mayor Re-Do is looking at the bigger picture here. Bear with him.
I come to praise him, not to bury him.
We’re gonna get that water park, not that it’s needed right now anyway. The touristy Pine Bluff city Web site brags that we already have “a public beach” here. Somebody point me to it. I’d like to promote a beach volleyball tournament and bring in Olympians Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor. Bob Purvis, let’s get to work on that.
Nope, we’re gonna get that water park because it’s part of a master plan. We’re gonna build it with proceeds from the casino we’re gonna put on Cherry Street.
Hey, I know we were gonna build a kids rec center there, but think about what a casino could do for a depressed economy. Did you ever see Tunica, Miss., before that crown jewel of lights grew up out of the Delta cottonfields?
Channel 7 weathergal Melinda Mayo tells us via our spiffy new in-house magazine that Cherry Street was once a “main drag” for teens looking for nighttime adventure. Well, with a casino, it could be busy again. And we could learn to love it. Ka-Ching!
Besides, the casino will go great with the Hooters we’re gonna build in White Hall and the riverboat gambling in Redfield we’re gonna have for those tired arsenal workers.
Yep, folks, we’re gonna do what many depressed cities do. We’re gonna bring in sin, and tax the fool out of it. By the truckload if necessary. Dayton’s even looking to relocate some prostitutes. That’s another of the most inane requests, along with neon lights for Las Vegas and several requests for skateboard parks.
We could move those hookers here. Might stimulate our economy, especially with the recent “drive time” bust of about 35 in Little Rock. The Legislature must be in session.
But our city buses apparently are not in good enough shape to go get Dayton’s hookers. Hey, we might get some money to replace those buses.
Don’t knock sin, gentle people. Times are hard. California’s in such sorry shape under the Terminator’s leadership those lawmakers are actually considering legalizing pot. So they can tax the fool out of it.
They’re already groups out there just itching to bring gambling to Jefferson County. When folks get more used to playing the new lottery, gambling will take off again in Arkansas. Well, why let Hot Springs and West Memphis have all the fun? The Indian casino in West Siloam Springs, Okla., stimulated the west Arkansas economy in the heart of a bible belt.
So maybe our local hero Carl A. is ahead of the curve. Either that, or he drove off it when he got that water park idea. Or maybe if it was not his idea, but one of his cronies’ brainstorms, Redus might better transfer the attribution. Maybe he can blame Donald Sampson for that, too.
That’s why the mayor’s dragging his feet on relocating the police station. He was hoping “Santa Obama” was gonna pay for it.
And was it really a surprise Mayor Re-Do wasn’t invited to the mayors’ meeting in Washington when Little Rock and North Little Rock mayors were?
The water park idea has proven to be a bit wet.
Carl, here’s the memo you missed, apparently along with several other U.S. city leaders. The stimulus is about needs, not wants.
If you ever grew up in a family where times were tough around Christmastime, you knew better not to ask for a pony. Or anything the least bit expensive.
Heck, some years, we were lucky to get underwear and socks.
Needs, not wants.
But I’d still like to see that Hooters in White Hall. Mayor Morgan, get right on that. I’m hankering for some chicken tenders near the Interstate.
Yeah, and I have always read Playboy for the articles.

Sam Krebs is the “senior” copy editor/designer and latenight guru of The Pine Bluff Commercial. By day he enjoys such hobbies as chastising John Brummett and solving crimes with the help of a rag-tag bunch of rookie cops, all of whom have hearts of gold.

Oh no, way to go. He’s the mayor.

March 8th, 2009 by Stewart

There was a great post last week on Arkansas Project about some of the projects some Arkansas mayors are devising with the promise of all the stimulus money the government is magically pulling out of it’s broke ass.

Mayor Redus has one of the more ridiculous stimulus project proposals out there right now — a water park. For those of you who aren’t subject to this guy’s blundering and thus are blissfully ignorant of just who Redus is, I offer the following description: Imagine a black George W. Bush with a lobotomy scar, snacking on ranch-flavoured lead paint chips and  washing them down with mercury everyday after nap time — that’s Redus. Some of us in the newsroom at PBC call him Re-do, though I was always partial to just plain Retard or the slightly more creative Redum.

Anyway, The New York Daily News calls this water park stroke of genius “one of the most inane bailout requests” in the nation:

Getting water to citizens seems like a valid use of taxpayer money. But when it’s getting water to them in the form of a water park – that might not be quite so valid.
That’s exactly what Pine Bluff, Arkansas is doing. They’ve asked the federal government for $1.4 million to build a children’s water park, according to the 2009 Main Street Economic Recovery Report.

It’s harder and harder these days to take Redus seriously in his own city (some of us never have), but now he’s making a joke of Pine Bluff (apparent city motto: Any publicity is good publicity.) on the national stage. Yes, ladies and gents, this functionally illiterate mouth breather was actually re-elected — a Greek word that literally translates to “to elect again” —
by the obviously well-informed voters of our fair city. Can you say blind leading the blind?

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