By Ezra Mann, Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

While World War II has almost seen more coverage in video games than the Paris Hilton getting freaky internet phenomenon, I suppose it’s a concept that can be drawn out for a little more agony. Thankfully, SouthPeak Games and Replay Studios finds a way to present it that doesn’t feel like another beach storming, trench loving grindfest.

Not to insult the boys who actually gave some of their lives in the real deal, but this time I was pleasantly pleased to find out I was playing a title that required more wit than most first person shooters. Sure, this is more of an inspiration than what actually happened (Some of the costumes might just be a bit too modern looking for the period), but you actually get to sneak up and take out the brat loving bastages almost ninja style and I can really appreciate that growing up in the era of Wolfenstein. To boot, “Velvet Assassin” actually uses a woman who does not look like she has more boobs than brains (also no offense to those aficionados).

After much thought, this game reminds me somewhat of “Super Mario Bros. 2” where you wake up from a dream and find out it’s much more than that. Minus the overweight plumber and mushrooms, it’s not too far off as you relive the heroic deeds of Violette Summer, an assassin for allied forces during the war.

You go through a series of missions to sabotage the Nazi empire by killing off foes in the darkness here and there from art thieves in Paris to a prison camp. Weapons at your disposal include a trusty knife, various pistols and other creative killing devices along with some morphine for the occasional hippy environment-like kill (The floating flowers and steamy backgrounds are a nice touch). While certainly frustrating when you do get caught, it makes you use what you have wisely and in an entertaining way.

For content’s sake this game earns its mature rating so keep this one to the adult crowd. Other than that, I recommend it first on a rental basis and then possibly buying it if you feel you need to take the same evil lives over and over again.

The environments are nicely designed and even though you spend a lot of time sneaking around, most should be able to see what’s going on without having to adjust the brightness settings. There are some glitches here and there, but generally if you are paying attention it will not cause you to mess up and most actions are performed without any trouble on the controller. For giving me something that I am planning to go back to even after this review I give “Velvet Assassin” for the Xbox 360 four out of six toggles.

By Ezra Mann, Editor in spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

Ah, gotta love the prospect of fighting for one’s survival and the smell of exploded robots in the morning, noon or anytime. Another chapter in the epic battle of man versus homicidal machine is now with us and the only question most should be asking is: can I get the refill on that bucket of popcorn without missing an awesome scene?

Forget about the thought provoking tales, the chick flicks and the cheesy monster attacks on horny teenagers; we’re talking today about gruff butt kicking action that only serves to fuel our adrenaline. Ever since that buff Austrian first tried to kill or save all hope for humanity I’ve been hooked on the struggle and looking forward to whatever came next. Thankfully, “Terminator Salvation” does not disappoint most hardcore fans or those new to the universe, delivering a knockout movie experience.

First, let’s all just go ahead and admit that with all the attempts to save John Connor (Christian Bale) the hero of the resistance, continuity might as well just take a permanent hike. Sure, there could have been attempts made to tie everything together that was supposed to happen, but swim in the time stream enough and you get muddy water.

That said; I know I was excited to finally see the post-apocalyptic world often foretold of in pre-judgment day times and I have to say so far, nicely done. The year is 2018 and things have somewhat cleared up since the crispy fried nuking thing and humanity has definitely had more than enough and is ready to put an end to the machine’s rule. One of the key differences here is that John is more of an unofficial leader of the resistance and must answer to a chain of military command.

Yes, he was supposed to be the savior and unquestioned leader, but given how popular trilogies are, he still has plenty of time to get the official rank. Anyhoo, the leaders he must answer to, General Ashdown (Michael Ironside) and General Losenko (Ivan G’Vera) serve as the head honchos on board a sub, which is the current H.Q. of survival.

They come up with a cunning plan to take the machines out all at once using something they believe each and every killer machine is a part of. However, the addition of a new element in Marcus Wright (Sam Worthington) brings everything into question, even what makes a person human. It all comes down to if the people really trust Connor and it shows quite nicely when it counts.

Other characters, including Kate Connor (Bryce Dallas Howard) and Kyle Reese (Anton Yelchin) also make excellent additions to the film. When all was said and done I enjoyed it from start to finish and really only had reservations about the final few minutes of the film (a bit too sappy for all the good scenes).

If you hate this movie then you most likely went in with misguided expectations, because it was excellent from visuals to story and paid decent tribute to what came before it. It’s a bit less adult than the other movies in the series, but I would still say leave this film for the older audience just in case. “Terminator Salvation” was what it should have been and for that it deserves four and a half out of five hasta la vistas.

By Ezra Mann, Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

While not all movie adaptation of video games are lost to the bargain bin, most just are not worth the tribute they pay to the flick. This particular title from Activision is not one of the great must haves, but in some ways strays enough to pass more than a few fun hours away.

Then again that’s all this title is really good for because after several hours there isn’t enough excitement to warrant playing it again once you have beaten it. But, if you loved the film characters this is another way you can extend the laughs for just a wee bit longer. “Monsters vs. Aliens” for the Wii is pretty much a button masher through and through.

Featuring those whacky creatures Susan, B.O.B, The Missing Link and Dr. Cockroach P.H. D (as well as others recognized in theaters) you basically play a game that seems to in some ways deviate from the silver-screen plot, but is similar enough that it’s not a big change. One of the biggest differences between the movie and the game is that in the movie the characters wait until called upon and the console you try to escape at first.

The game does have a RPG element to it with upgradable abilities as you progress through the game (other unlockables also like concept art also pop up) and if you need backup you can play with a friend who zaps baddies from a first person view. This game is appropriate for all ages and in some ways is even tamer than the movie, which works if you are ultra conservative. To put it simply, there is not a lot to be wowed about here, but for being at least rental worthy I give “Monsters vs. Aliens” for the Wii three out of six toggles.

By Ezra Mann, Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

Any comic book fan past or present that has paid any attention at all will tell you that the X Films have all seemed to do more than a fair share of focus on a certain claw wielding mutant. Understandably, some rolled their eyes when learning of a movie that is just for him because how much more do we need to know about the super healing dude?

Yet, being my favorite character on the team and with only glimpses of his metal beginnings, I was willing to see how they would reveal his cloudy past. For the most part I was pleased as well as entertained, but as with many prequels to successful films, some conflict with continuity was introduced. There also were some shortcuts taken with the quality of “X-Men Origins: Wolverine,” which may be fixed with DVD release, but won’t help create returning ticket sales.

Wolvie starts out being a military man, finds a team he can relate with and then true to fashion finds they don’t fit his loner persona. In this version, I am happy to see more of a down and dirty conflict between Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and Sabretooth (Liev Schreiber), but I was not expecting them to have a literal blood connection.

However, a childhood borne introduction does make the hatred all that more deep, but almost makes the confrontation in the first X-Men movie all that more empty (Logan’s loss of memories helps explain his half, but leaves open why Sabretooth only treats him as a mere obstacle in the first film). Our clawed hero is also much older than originally thought and enters the Weapon X Program more out of revenge than in line with other origin stories. Yet, characters for the most part fit their roles and even William Striker (Danny Huston) and Gambit (Taylor Kitsch) fit in when they need to (though the Cajun accent could use more work).

I felt it was a nice tribute to the fans, but something that could have used a bit more tweaking and discussions before release. The movie is appropriate for most ages, but may be a bit too violent for the pre-teen crowd.

As a standalone movie I recommend it for a good popcorn flick, but only the hardcore will want to add it to their collection. It does the job at least of kicking off the summer movie season and is nowhere near as foreboding as some of the usual crap that floods the box-office. For letting me see the attitude that slices and dices at least one more time I give “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” three and a half out of five bubs.

By Ezra Mann

Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

There are games produced once in a rare occasion that hook us to the point that we almost scream when we have to stop playing. Then there are games that fall into other various levels of entertaining, some only to appease a very lonely and sad group of anti-socialites.

This latest offering from SouthPeak Games happens to fall into the latter category, but passes the time if you have nothing better to do. Honestly, you’d be lying to yourself if you didn’t admit that this is the kind of title for the same kind of people that find animated cleavage an attractive thing. Yet, sad habits of extreme anime fans aside, “X-Blades” is not a total waste and didn’t frustrate me beyond wanting to try and finish it.

I didn’t think you could get a female treasure hunter more scantily clad than Laura Croft, but apparently they weren’t pulling any punches with wardrobe for main character Ayumi. In this adventure you play the part of this vixen artifact junky whose cocky attitude brings her more trouble than she bargains for.

She must battle for her life and your decisions along the way determine if she stays a good girl (though that’s debatable) or is swallowed up by darkness. You’re main two weapons are your deadly blades and pistols, though you are also given the chance to try out a number of spells powered by your rage. There really isn’t a lot of thinking required in this game, just steady hands and mad skills at mashing buttons quickly.

All of the trouble deals with an orb, which proves to be quite a troublesome find and it does provide the only real story for gamers. The controls are for the most part tolerable, but can be frustrating and sometimes dialogue is hard to understand or read on the screen in cut scenes.

As for who should play this, it earns its mature rating at least on the skin front so keep this one away from the tykes. I’m not going to recommend this title as a must have for most gamers since it will most likely be a one-time play. For something to whittle away the hours and the torsos of your foes, I give “X-Blades” for the Xbox 360 three out of six toggles.

By Ezra Mann, Editor and Publisher of Really Pathetic Productions

I’ll be perfectly honest and admit that when I usually think of monster trucks, stereotypes of rednecks and cheap American beer are some of the first things that come to mind. Let’s face it, like television wrestling, a good bit of the audience for said events usually aren’t busy offering intelligent contributions to society, well at least not while viewing it.

Apart from a brief stint in my childhood I’ve pretty much left both behind, but decided to let my inner trailer-trash out when I was offered a chance to review a game featuring the metal crushing kings of exhaust. At first I was thinking it’d be a quick eye-rolling extravaganza, but the more I tried the more I was hooked into smashing everything I could, including the digital vehicle I was driving. “Monster Jam: Urban Assault” for the Wii is no game of the year candidate, but can become surprisingly addictive before you realize it.

Like one of my acquaintances pointed out when he tried it, it’s basically an RC car platform with nice graphics and behemoths at your command. You can play with as many as 27 trucks (after unlocking them by completing events) in plenty of arenas and either go stunt crazy as well as break down everything in your path by yourself or with three others in split screen multi-player.

The controls for the most part are without any difficulty and driving your truck offers little frustration once you get the hang of it. However, I do have to note that racing can be a bit frustrating especially on the sharp turns so if you want a more fair turnout, stick to the crushing and stunts. One of my favorite events and perhaps one of the silliest is the stunt track where you can launch your truck through the air and score points in what looks like a giant Skee-Ball board (a bit too dangerous for real life, but hilarious in concept).

This particular offering from Activision deserves at least one thumbs up for something that is simple and can be done in short bursts or last as long as you want to get your smash on. The use of the Wii-mote and chucks was done right and should entertain with a product that is appropriate for all ages.

I can recommend it at least for a rental, though level of fandom on this thing is important in determining if you want it for the long term. Just remember to go outside and remind yourself that you will not give into too many other redneck tendencies (unless it’s too late) and all will be fine. For a decent gaming experience I’d say “Monster Jam: Urban Assault” for the Wii deserves three and a half out of five toggles.

By Ezra Mann, Editor in Spoof of Really Pathetic Productions

Since most of the good movie ideas are killed before they see the light or day or are buried by the latest blockbuster/crapfest, it’s no surprise when one of those offerings happens to be a versus title. Sure, it’s all well and good to put your nerdy heartthrob of a geek fantasy before your pocket protecting friends, but sometimes those ideas can really hurt if they go too far (Hello “Aliens vs. Predator).

However, there is under a rare set of circumstances a chance that the battle between two long established forces actually produces something tolerable and the creators of “Shrek” seem to have reached this plateau. This may not even be the first time experiments gone wrong have faced off against otherworldly creatures, but it gets it right and with plenty of hilarity. “Monsters vs. Aliens” is everything the previews promised and more, a win for both DreamWorks and audiences.

The story of this film focuses partly on the world of Monsters, who by modern times are all locked away and no more than a government conspiracy (A clever ruse of paranoia if you will). B.O.B., a blob creature (played by Seth Rogen, who does such a good job at this role it might as well be the pinnacle of his career), Dr. Cockroach Ph.D. (Hugh Laurie) and The Missing Link (Will Arnett), a fishlike man, are examples of this race that would have never seen the light of day if it weren’t for a beyond this world obsession.

Enter Gallaxhar (Rainn Wilson), a hideous squid-ish being who is so bent on collecting his favorite element that he’ll destroy any world, even a pitiful earth. This cunning villain might actually succeed in his diabolical plans if it weren’t for Susan Murphy who is later thrust into the conflict as Ginormica, lady of justice who is large and in charge. The movie is mostly meant for kids, but there are plenty of adult geared jokes including ones from the president (Stephen Colbert).

This movie should be safe enough for the whole family, barring we’re not all taken over by a sentient race that takes the flick personally. There could have been a few more classic jokes to make this a must have, but I can promise it is at least worth one theatrical viewing or a rental.

The story is left open enough as usual to milk the unnecessary amount of sequels, but maybe we’ll all be lucky and this one won’t be ruined by high ticket sales. (Though the opening weekend bid certainly will tempt studio numbskulls) In any case, I was rather happy with the effort, if at least something to distract from the ills of society. “Monsters vs. Aliens” is not a terrifying snore which earns it a sinister three and a half out of five cackles.